I haven’t gone grocery shopping in over a month now. Part of me is starting to have a small bit of pride about it, and wonders if I can make a record over how much longer I can go. The other part of me is getting sick of alphagetti. Just kidding. I have the palette of a five year old (shocking) I could never get sick of alphagetti. I am however starting to worry that my skin will start getting an orange tint to it like Arnold a-la Magic School Bus when he at all those carrots.
Let’s have some real talk about grocery shopping. Everything is expensive and you don’t get to keep anything. It’s tragic. If you’re like me and when your mother took you grocery shopping you would just dramatically die of boredom and claim you would never recover if she didn’t buy THOSE exact pop-tarts, and never actually paid attention
to what she was teaching you... grocery shopping can be hard.
Here are some things I’ve learned while grocery shopping:
You need a list.
- This is something I constantly tell myself is not actually a necessity, but it IS. Having a list, and knowing what you actually need to make it to the next grocery trip, will save you time from wandering up and down the isle looking like a pathetic character from the Hunger Games.. one of the ones who would get picked off first if a kind old woman didn’t take pity on you and point you in the direction of the fresh produce.
Make a meal plan.
- This one ties in with the aforementioned list. It is easier to make a list if you have a vague idea of what you will be putting in your face for the next two weeks. I know there are so many more interesting things to do on the internet then search for recipes that, lets be honest, if it isn’t mashed potatoes or toast, you will probably fuck up anyways. Say it with me that is what Pinterest is for.
Use the Buddy System.
- This I recommend for numerous reasons.
1) Arduous tasks that no one actually enjoys, are much more fun with a friend.
2) Your buddy can help you stick to just the items on your list, and be the extra bit of willpower you need to avoid the mini eggs in July -that being said, if I’m your shopping buddy I can give you 10 indisputable reasons why you do actually need those mini eggs.
3) Seeing what they put in their cart can either make you feel bad about your 24 pack of KD and Jello cups and make you adjust accordingly, or they might have a worst diet and then you, and you can feel superior, either way its a win!
Check. The. Expiry.
- There is nothing quite like getting home and realizing that 2LT of Almond milk expires in two days. Challenge, accepted.
Fresh Produce, You need green things.
- Sad, but true. The worst thing about green things, is everything. They are very expensive, they taste like they’re good for you, and they only stay green for a small window of time. I am not proud to admit that I have openly wept over throwing out a bag full of lettuce that cost me $7 that I didn’t even touch.
No Name is the Game
- Ok you elitist brand snob, listen up. It is literally the exact same thing. All you are missing out on is the pretty picture and the fancy name, oh and the $3 inflation. And let’s be honest, you are just going to empty all that cereal into those massive mason jars you bought at Michaels anyways. No Name Brand, no matter if it is canned goods, cereals, or cleaning products are just as good as their named counter parts. Except for macaroni. KD is king, whatever that is isn’t macaroni, it’s macaphony, put it back.
Ice Cream
Is a staple. You should always have Ice Cream in your freezer. My rule for ice cream is choose a name not a flavour. Undisputedly my favourite flavour is and always will be bubblegum -the blue kind of course I’m not an animal- but lately this rule has been proving effective. There are so many funny ice cream flavour names out there, one for arguably every situation.
Feeling honest?:
12 Cats Caramel
Neapolitan Netflix
All by Yourself Butterscotch
Night out?:
Last Night Was Bananas Cream Pie
Charge it Chocolate
Death by Desserts
Fuck this Frogurt
Need to get laid?:
Missionary Maple Walnut
I’d even take Vanilla
Put-It-In Pistachio
We’re in for a Rocky Road
Easy Tiger
Just Popped Your Cherry Garcia
Okay, so maybe these aren’t all ice cream flavours, yet. But one day, when I’m a multi-millionaire and have a hundred different businesses, I will have an Ice Cream Shop called Game of Cones, and it will have all sorts of inappropriate flavor names and will only play the saddest Adele songs on a loop. Nothing makes me want to eat ice cream more then listening to Adele.
But I digress.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Grocery Shopping.
So once you’ve completed the scavenger hunt portion of the trip, your next task is to choose the check out lane. Without fail, I will always choose the lane that either:
- Has the blind 86 year old lifer who can barely lift the can of apricots that totally count as fruit, covering the 20 something hotties break just before it’s my turn.
- Has the one with the till that breaks down
- Has the one that has the extreme couponer.
Checking out usually takes about 20 minutes, and the most stressful of those 20 minutes, are the 5 minutes it takes to load the conveyor belt. It’s the Amazing Race of Superstore, to get all your shit on the belt before the person in front of you is done having all their stuff rung through, and getting out of the way before the pushy people behind you run into your ankles with their cart because they want to start loading their stuff.
I find the best way to deal with the Cart Pushers is to make aggressive eye contact as you load your things, so they feel too intimidated to unload their cart until you slam the partition bar down behind your things. It is usually a fool proof method, except in some cases... like when you focus too much on aggressive eye contact and not the order of which you put things on the belt, and later you have to stand embarrassed and shame faced as the 86 year old cashier gives you a disgusted look as she rings through a cucumber, condoms, duct tape and a can of whip cream, in that order. Those aren’t the ONLY things I’m buying lady!! This is just an unfortunate coincidence!
Again, the Buddy System helps with those situations.
Alas, after the truly worst part of the whole ordeal paying is over, you still have to bring them home to unpack it all. Then remember the 2 things you forgot you actually really needed to get in the first place.